“I’m not a racist but…” and I’m going to stop you right there.

I’m sure, dear reader, that you have heard this phrase come out of the mouths of assholes on an almost weekly basis for the majority of your life. “I’m not racist, but…” It comes in a few different formats, but always with the same intention. If you’re like me (and you’re almost certainly not) you might have made an observation about this comment. Or perhaps you’ve made an observation about the people that use this phrase. If not, then do read on. If you didn’t already hate your friends (like I do) then I encourage you to come on this journey with me.
“I’m not racist, but…” and that is about where I usually terminate what ever semblance of a conversation I am having with that particular person. I pull up a mental check list in my mind, entitled ‘People Who Exist in Brad’s World’ and put a single line through that person’s name. Why? Because I can all but guarantee you that the next sentence out of that person’s head is going to be the most racist thing I have ever heard in my entire life.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I love being an arsehole as much as the next person but I hate bigots. I mean, just how fucking thick do you have to be to think that qualifying what ever you are about to say with the phrase “I’m not racist, but…” makes it socially acceptable for you, as a human being, to denigrate not just one person, but an entire race of people purely on the basis of their locale, skin colour, cultural customs, religious beliefs or native languages? How on Earth do you expect the qualifier “I’m not racist, but…” to absolve you of the inherent racism contained in your next seven words?
In case, at this point you are wondering: yes, it is lonely all the way up here on my high horse, but like I give a fuck. People who talk like this are worth nothing to me. It annoys me just as much as people who say “I’m sorry, but…” It’s the exact same thing! My other favourite is, “No offence, but…” You can bet the shirt on the back that the next thing this ‘friend’ says to you is going to so offensive you’re either going to collapse in to the foetal position and cry for your childhood teddy or round-house kick the person back to a time where they would drown bitches to test if they were witches or not.
There is a very clear level of arrogance associated with degenerate retards who speak like this. Just how far up your arse does your head have to be in order to believe that people won’t be offended by your words purely because you started your sentence with a phrase indicating you weren’t being offensive…even though there is no other way your words could have been intended. “No offence, but…who ever put on your make up obviously went to a Clown College, not a Beauty School” Oh yeah? I can see how you meant that inoffensively. I can see that you are so self involved that you think people won’t be offended by your words purely because it is you who is saying them. (Oh, and in case you are wondering, yes I actually heard someone say that…actually, I said it…but I didn’t open with the “No offence” bit…I was being offensive. In fact, to say that I had any motive other than an offensive, malicious agenda would be nothing short of a lie. I wanted to see tears. Big, wet, mascara soaked tears. I saw what I came to see. She put the make up on herself…but I already knew that).
All of this is a by-product, of course, of the main offender; the ultimate argument winner. That one statement that destroys any opponents defences and renders them completely incapacitated. I am of course, talking about that wonderful phrase, “Well, that’s just like, my opinion.” I am, of course, being facetious. People who use this phrase can usually be found in the Welfare office on a Wednesday afternoon. Either side of the counter, it doesn’t matter; they’re all losers down there. As a general rule, people who subscribe to this line of thought are usually jerks and not worth knowing…and that, of course is my opinion. The difference is that I can prove it. Would you like me to? Of course you would.
Think of all the people you know who use this phrase as an argument defence so that they can never be proven wrong? Do you often want to punch them in their smug faces? Of course you do. Why? Because they’re jerks…that, or like me, the smallest thing annoys you and you just feel like fly kicking the shit out of everything. Either way: they’re both good choices.
Anyway, leading back in to my opening argument, which was that when someone begins a conversation with the statement “I’m not racist, but…” you can damn sure bet you don’t want to be around for the rest of that conversation. In fact, that is pretty much the social cue for you do one of two things:
1. Superman punch the shit out of this person in the face so hard you leave a bulge in their back or
2. Tell their boyfriend or girlfriend that they have a beastiality fetish…be sure to start the conversation by saying, “I’m sorry, but…”

BRAD!