Answers to stupid questions asked of Google

As you’re all very aware by now, I have a pretty low opinion of pretty much anybody that isn’t me.  I think that as a population, people are stupid, thoughtless, un-calculating, unquestioning followers and just generally slaves to whomever has the loudest voice and the best iphone app on the end of a stick (no one eats carrots anymore).  Anyway, in today’s electronic age, a good education and a thorough understanding of the world around us has been surpassed by the ease and convenience of a quick Google search.  With that in mind, I thought the best way possible to prove that humans are, as I stated, stupid, thoughtless and moronic (I didn’t say moronic before, people are fucking morons) was to use their tool of information against them.  My plan is to use the Google search engine to highlight the stupidity of the most advanced beings on the planet.

As usual, I am going to assume that my readers, like most people, are fucking idiots.  So listen up because school is in.  Basically, Google has an ‘auto-complete’ function (for all you pre-pubescent sluts out there, it’s just like your little ‘predictive text’ shit on your mobile phone) that opens a drop box filled with suggestions of things you might be going to type based on what you already have typed.  Are you keeping up?  It’s pretty fucking involved and you’re pretty fucking dumb.  Well, all of those suggestions are based on the most commonly searched for things on Google by your fellow idiot…uh, I mean ‘man.’

With that thought in mind, I typed in simple words that are often found at the start of questions.  I typed in words like; ‘is,’ ‘who,’ ‘how,’ ‘when,’ ‘where,’ ‘why,’ ‘what’ and ‘does.’  I allowed the auto complete list to generate and I will now address some of the choicer questions for you here.  Relax, I didn’t answer them all, so once you are done here you can go and  have a look at just how fucking retarded A LOT of people are to ask questions like these.  I also recommend the use of the ‘I’m Feeling Lucky’ button on some of these questions.

Question: Is Lady Gaga a man/Is Lady Gaga a hermaphrodite?

I don’t usually like answering questions with questions, but I’m going to.  How fucking empty is your sad little life that you have time to worry about the arsenal contained in Lady Gaga’s briefs…or knickers?  For argument sake though, I looked at some of the “evidence” to prove that Gaga has a schlong.  Best I found was some perv shot of her squatting with her legs spread during a performance.  Congratulations asshole, all we can confirm from your photo is that Gaga knows more about the importance of wearing underwear in public than Britney…white underwear as it would be.  It doesn’t prove a god damn thing about whether or not she has a bigger dick than you.  Like it fucking matters anyway, you’re never going to get to fuck her so why worry about it?

Question: Is Shingles contagious?

HA HA HA, sure is, bitch.  Enjoy Shingles.  If you’re a dude you’d better get your swimmers checked after because it can leave you infertile.  Sucker.

Question: When is Halloween?

Dude, you have bigger problems than finding out when you get to knock on strangers’ doors and ask for food.  Do you forget when Christmas is?  How about your birthday?  You and everyone else who has typed this in to Google truly deserve our pity.  There is only one kind of person who is more pathetic than you and I’ll address them in the next question.

Question: When is Halloween in Australia?

May gods have pity on your souls.  You make me ashamed to be Australian.  I have no words for just how fucking stupid I think you are.  Do you often find yourself laughing at jokes because everyone else is laughing even though you have no idea why the joke is funny?   You’re a fucking embarrassment.

Question: Does he love me?

No.  He did until he found out you use Google for romance advice.  How the fuck do you expect Google to even know who you’re talking about?  Are you the same person who searched for “How to kiss” and “Does Bella turn in to a vampire”?  I bet you are.  He’ll never love you.  I doubt your parents love you.

Question: Is the world going to end in 2012?

For the love of god, I hope so.

There’s so many more.  I am constantly amazed by the stupidity of people.  At one end of the spectrum we have a bunch of guys in glasses hanging out 100 metres underground playing with a machine that is going to recreate the big bang.  At the other end of the spectrum, we have jerks googling questions like “Is Santa real?” and “Why can’t I own a Canadian?”  You just can’t!  Stop asking!

I can’t help but think that the real reason why we can’t find aliens is because they’ve already found us and they’re now devoting their efforts to preventing us from ever finding them.

BRAD!

Ps – People should stop googling quick weight loss techniques, put down the shovel they feed themselves with and go for a fucking walk.