Open Letters to people and companies that I actually sent

I know, dear reader, that you think that I do all of my writing just for you.  That I am your little show pony; that everything I do is for your entertainment.  Well, I’m sorry, you self involved jerk, but I write to other people as well.  Sometimes when I get bored, I write emails to people I know will never reply.  If you don’t believe me, feel free to check out my old writings from the naughties at http://dear-rove.livejournal.com.  I find it amusing to send stupid emails to people that you know are just far too busy to actually read your emails because, well, you’re a nobody.  I’m not though.  I’m a somebody…but no one else knows.  I’m getting side tracked though.  You would be amazed just how many companies and even individuals have policies regarding their emails.  Rove, for example had a policy that every email would be read.  As does Richard Branson and many, many corporations.  So, armed with that knowledge, I know that it won’t be Rove or Dick that reads my emails to them…but someone does.  That’s all the audience I need.

I trawled through my old outboxes from various emails accounts and found some of the emails I sent to people that I am sure never read them…but very much hope that someone did.  If not, well, I am sharing them with you now.

 Dear Jessica Alba,

            People rave about how hot you are.  I can see it in the body, but half the time, I think I should be offended by your face.  I’m not sure why though.  I was hoping you could tell me why everyone thinks you are so beautiful when really it looks like you just finished making out with a vacuum cleaner.

BRAD!

Dear Richard Branson,

            I was hoping that you might want to give me $20,000.  I’m not a charity and I don’t plan on doing anything noble with the money.  I just wondered if anyone just flat out asks you for money for no good reason.  I was kind of hoping I was the first.  Since I’m not asking for much (in your terms) I thought you might consider it on the basis of the originality of the idea.  I might even put it all on black.  Let me know.

BRAD!

Dear Captain Planet,

We need you more than ever.  Where the fuck are you?  Gaia is DYING!

BRAD!

In case you are wondering, I sent that one to Ted Turner.  Yes, that Ted Turner.  He created Captain Planet.  I also sent him this email:

Dear Ted Turner,

Go to hell you ugly, old fascist.

BRAD!

Dear George Lucas,

            I’ve been doing some thinking…You made the Star Wars trilogy…and then the new trilogy, right?  Steven Spielberg has made Jaws, Jurassic Park, Indiana Jones, ET, Schindler’s List and has executive produced Back to the Future, Band of Brothers, United States of Tara and Transformers.  There’s more, I just got bored.  What’s going on, buddy?  The score is like a million to three.  Pick up your game.

BRAD!

Dear Britney,

            Stop it.

BRAD!

Dear Gwen Stefani,

            Did I spell your name right?  Anyway, I was hoping you could help me out with something.  I heard that song ‘Boom Boom Pow’ on the radio the other day.  What the fuck does it mean when she goes, “you’re so two thousand and late, I’m so three thousand and eight?”  I know that you didn’t write the song, but I figured you might be able to speak Fergi’s language on account of the fact that you wrote a song where you stated that you, “Ain’t no holla back girl.”  I mean, both lyrics are equally retarded; I’m just giving you the benefit of the doubt on account of the fact of your No Doubt days.  Have you ever looked up the lyrics to any Black Eyed Peas song?  They’re just awful.  I can’t help but assume they were written with a crayon and backwards letters.

BRAD!

Dear Origin Energy,

            I think my hot water system is broken.  It doesn’t matter which tap I turn on, the water comes out the same temperature.  I even tried prying off the little cap with the red ‘R’ on it on top of the faucet and sticking it on the other faucets around the house but that didn’t work either.  I didn’t really do that, I’m just bored while I wait for the kettle to boil.  Seriously though, my hot water is fucked.

BRAD!

Dear Mum,

            I was just wondering if you remember when and where I was conceived.  I only ask because I’ve been doing some maths.  You see, as you know, I was born in early September (the 4^th, if you believe my birth certificate…which I have no reason to doubt).   You might also be aware that I was a few weeks premature.  If you count backwards, that puts the date of my conception to be right around New Year…Mum, was I an accident?

BRAD!

It was later confirmed that, yes, I indeed was and accident.  In fact, I believe the quote is, “You were the best mistake to ever bless this family.”  Yeah, good save mum.  That’s what makes me feel warm inside…that and high quality rums.  She didn’t have any more kids after me, so at least she learnt her lesson.  Hi mum, by the way if you’re reading this.

BRAD!

Answers to stupid questions asked of Google

As you’re all very aware by now, I have a pretty low opinion of pretty much anybody that isn’t me.  I think that as a population, people are stupid, thoughtless, un-calculating, unquestioning followers and just generally slaves to whomever has the loudest voice and the best iphone app on the end of a stick (no one eats carrots anymore).  Anyway, in today’s electronic age, a good education and a thorough understanding of the world around us has been surpassed by the ease and convenience of a quick Google search.  With that in mind, I thought the best way possible to prove that humans are, as I stated, stupid, thoughtless and moronic (I didn’t say moronic before, people are fucking morons) was to use their tool of information against them.  My plan is to use the Google search engine to highlight the stupidity of the most advanced beings on the planet.

As usual, I am going to assume that my readers, like most people, are fucking idiots.  So listen up because school is in.  Basically, Google has an ‘auto-complete’ function (for all you pre-pubescent sluts out there, it’s just like your little ‘predictive text’ shit on your mobile phone) that opens a drop box filled with suggestions of things you might be going to type based on what you already have typed.  Are you keeping up?  It’s pretty fucking involved and you’re pretty fucking dumb.  Well, all of those suggestions are based on the most commonly searched for things on Google by your fellow idiot…uh, I mean ‘man.’

With that thought in mind, I typed in simple words that are often found at the start of questions.  I typed in words like; ‘is,’ ‘who,’ ‘how,’ ‘when,’ ‘where,’ ‘why,’ ‘what’ and ‘does.’  I allowed the auto complete list to generate and I will now address some of the choicer questions for you here.  Relax, I didn’t answer them all, so once you are done here you can go and  have a look at just how fucking retarded A LOT of people are to ask questions like these.  I also recommend the use of the ‘I’m Feeling Lucky’ button on some of these questions.

Question: Is Lady Gaga a man/Is Lady Gaga a hermaphrodite?

I don’t usually like answering questions with questions, but I’m going to.  How fucking empty is your sad little life that you have time to worry about the arsenal contained in Lady Gaga’s briefs…or knickers?  For argument sake though, I looked at some of the “evidence” to prove that Gaga has a schlong.  Best I found was some perv shot of her squatting with her legs spread during a performance.  Congratulations asshole, all we can confirm from your photo is that Gaga knows more about the importance of wearing underwear in public than Britney…white underwear as it would be.  It doesn’t prove a god damn thing about whether or not she has a bigger dick than you.  Like it fucking matters anyway, you’re never going to get to fuck her so why worry about it?

Question: Is Shingles contagious?

HA HA HA, sure is, bitch.  Enjoy Shingles.  If you’re a dude you’d better get your swimmers checked after because it can leave you infertile.  Sucker.

Question: When is Halloween?

Dude, you have bigger problems than finding out when you get to knock on strangers’ doors and ask for food.  Do you forget when Christmas is?  How about your birthday?  You and everyone else who has typed this in to Google truly deserve our pity.  There is only one kind of person who is more pathetic than you and I’ll address them in the next question.

Question: When is Halloween in Australia?

May gods have pity on your souls.  You make me ashamed to be Australian.  I have no words for just how fucking stupid I think you are.  Do you often find yourself laughing at jokes because everyone else is laughing even though you have no idea why the joke is funny?   You’re a fucking embarrassment.

Question: Does he love me?

No.  He did until he found out you use Google for romance advice.  How the fuck do you expect Google to even know who you’re talking about?  Are you the same person who searched for “How to kiss” and “Does Bella turn in to a vampire”?  I bet you are.  He’ll never love you.  I doubt your parents love you.

Question: Is the world going to end in 2012?

For the love of god, I hope so.

There’s so many more.  I am constantly amazed by the stupidity of people.  At one end of the spectrum we have a bunch of guys in glasses hanging out 100 metres underground playing with a machine that is going to recreate the big bang.  At the other end of the spectrum, we have jerks googling questions like “Is Santa real?” and “Why can’t I own a Canadian?”  You just can’t!  Stop asking!

I can’t help but think that the real reason why we can’t find aliens is because they’ve already found us and they’re now devoting their efforts to preventing us from ever finding them.

BRAD!

Ps – People should stop googling quick weight loss techniques, put down the shovel they feed themselves with and go for a fucking walk.