“I’m not a racist but…” and I’m going to stop you right there.

I’m sure, dear reader, that you have heard this phrase come out of the mouths of assholes on an almost weekly basis for the majority of your life. “I’m not racist, but…” It comes in a few different formats, but always with the same intention. If you’re like me (and you’re almost certainly not) you might have made an observation about this comment. Or perhaps you’ve made an observation about the people that use this phrase. If not, then do read on. If you didn’t already hate your friends (like I do) then I encourage you to come on this journey with me.
“I’m not racist, but…” and that is about where I usually terminate what ever semblance of a conversation I am having with that particular person. I pull up a mental check list in my mind, entitled ‘People Who Exist in Brad’s World’ and put a single line through that person’s name. Why? Because I can all but guarantee you that the next sentence out of that person’s head is going to be the most racist thing I have ever heard in my entire life.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I love being an arsehole as much as the next person but I hate bigots. I mean, just how fucking thick do you have to be to think that qualifying what ever you are about to say with the phrase “I’m not racist, but…” makes it socially acceptable for you, as a human being, to denigrate not just one person, but an entire race of people purely on the basis of their locale, skin colour, cultural customs, religious beliefs or native languages? How on Earth do you expect the qualifier “I’m not racist, but…” to absolve you of the inherent racism contained in your next seven words?
In case, at this point you are wondering: yes, it is lonely all the way up here on my high horse, but like I give a fuck. People who talk like this are worth nothing to me. It annoys me just as much as people who say “I’m sorry, but…” It’s the exact same thing! My other favourite is, “No offence, but…” You can bet the shirt on the back that the next thing this ‘friend’ says to you is going to so offensive you’re either going to collapse in to the foetal position and cry for your childhood teddy or round-house kick the person back to a time where they would drown bitches to test if they were witches or not.
There is a very clear level of arrogance associated with degenerate retards who speak like this. Just how far up your arse does your head have to be in order to believe that people won’t be offended by your words purely because you started your sentence with a phrase indicating you weren’t being offensive…even though there is no other way your words could have been intended. “No offence, but…who ever put on your make up obviously went to a Clown College, not a Beauty School” Oh yeah? I can see how you meant that inoffensively. I can see that you are so self involved that you think people won’t be offended by your words purely because it is you who is saying them. (Oh, and in case you are wondering, yes I actually heard someone say that…actually, I said it…but I didn’t open with the “No offence” bit…I was being offensive. In fact, to say that I had any motive other than an offensive, malicious agenda would be nothing short of a lie. I wanted to see tears. Big, wet, mascara soaked tears. I saw what I came to see. She put the make up on herself…but I already knew that).
All of this is a by-product, of course, of the main offender; the ultimate argument winner. That one statement that destroys any opponents defences and renders them completely incapacitated. I am of course, talking about that wonderful phrase, “Well, that’s just like, my opinion.” I am, of course, being facetious. People who use this phrase can usually be found in the Welfare office on a Wednesday afternoon. Either side of the counter, it doesn’t matter; they’re all losers down there. As a general rule, people who subscribe to this line of thought are usually jerks and not worth knowing…and that, of course is my opinion. The difference is that I can prove it. Would you like me to? Of course you would.
Think of all the people you know who use this phrase as an argument defence so that they can never be proven wrong? Do you often want to punch them in their smug faces? Of course you do. Why? Because they’re jerks…that, or like me, the smallest thing annoys you and you just feel like fly kicking the shit out of everything. Either way: they’re both good choices.
Anyway, leading back in to my opening argument, which was that when someone begins a conversation with the statement “I’m not racist, but…” you can damn sure bet you don’t want to be around for the rest of that conversation. In fact, that is pretty much the social cue for you do one of two things:
1. Superman punch the shit out of this person in the face so hard you leave a bulge in their back or
2. Tell their boyfriend or girlfriend that they have a beastiality fetish…be sure to start the conversation by saying, “I’m sorry, but…”

BRAD!

Things I have learnt from movies, a list

1. The greatest place in the world to live is clearly the Deep South. I can live safe in the knowledge that if I ever commit a crime or violate a social mores so severely that I will spend the rest of my life in jail, I can just blame the closest black man and everything will turn out peachy…for me.
2. If I want to be more attractive to women, I should become either a vampire or a werewolf…but not a wizard.
3. If I were going to build a time machine out of a car, the best car to use is the incredibly rare and incredibly expensive DMC DeLorean. Sure, it costs more, but the stainless steel shell really lends itself to travelling through time and space. Also, anytime I do travel through time, I will, inevitably, lose my licence plates, but holy shit will it look cool!
4. The hottest girls in the world all live in Shermer, Illinois. What’s better than this is that they all have a thing for nerdy, quirky, nice guys. It gets better still because most of the guys that live in Shermer, Illinois are jerks, jocks and juveniles. That just leaves Ferris Beuller, John Cusack and me. Oh, and Anthony Michael Hall…but even needy chicks have their limits.
5. If you’re going to be a super hero and you aren’t an alien or covered in toxic waste, you’d better be rich…and hot. Rich and hot.
6. The coolness of the name of the city you reside in is directly proportional to how psychotic its villains are. For example, ‘Gotham’ is rad as fuck and it’s criminals are crazier than Dr Bunsen Honeydew. I mean, we’ve got The Joker – a makeup wearing psychopath who just wants to kill shit and blow stuff up because he’s bored; Harvey Twoface who is pissed that the good guys saved him instead of his girlfriend (because Joel Schumacher’s Twoface is the worst creation on god’s green Earth, second only to every other Joel Schumacher villain in the Batman franchise) and won’t get his sceptic face tended to by medical professionals; and finally a crazy cat lady who falls out of her window and in all honesty, should have died. ‘Middle Earth,’ on the other hand is about as cool as the guy from the film clip for ‘Pretty Fly For A White Guy’ by The Offspring. Magical elves prance through the forest and play in the trees, while a race of midgets live in tiny town and fall in love with the ugliest bar wench in the district and go off on homo-erotic adventures with their friends. What kind of bad guys do they get? A fucking eye in the sky. Nine hours of midgets going for a walk in the hope of defeating a flaming eye in the sky. Are you fucking kidding me? What kind of a lame arse villain is that? “Oh no, the eye might see me!” Big fucking deal.
7. If you’re a sixteen year old girl and you own a dog named ‘Beethoven,’ guys that you go to school with, who for some unknown reason also holiday at the same lake as you, will try to rape you…even if you were also in ‘The Nanny.’
8. No alien race wants to be friends with humans.
9. Any movie that has the words ‘Wayans Brothers’ attached to it is going to be worse than contracting HIV. They’re not funny. Get over it.
10. In the highly unlikely event that I am home alone and someone is trying to kill me, the absolute last thing I should do is go and investigate the noise outside.
11. If people are trying to break in to my house during the Holiday period, the best line of defence comes in the form of swinging paint cans, plastic army men, heating the door knobs and painting my basement stairs with tar and nails.
12. If you see someone driving in the opposite direction to you at night time with their headlights turned off, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DO NOT FLASH YOUR LIGHTS AT THEM!!!!!
13. If you and the two main characters from any movie are going on a dangerous mission together and this is your first real appearance in the film, you’re not coming back.
14. Finally, Ferris is the coolest high school kid to ever roam the planet. None will ever come close to his coolness ever again. Did you even question the fact that throughout that film he was wearing a leopard print vest? No you didn’t. He’s so cool that he can pull off a leopard print vest without you even batting an eye lid. Also, he’s going out with Mia Sara. Easily the hottest girl of the 80s. If they were still together now, no one would give a shit what Posh and Becks were up to. All anyone would ever care about is Ferris and Mia. You know in the future how everything is dedicated to Bill and Ted? Well the world would be like that…except it’d be Ferris and Mia…but Bill and Ted will still be pretty popular. Death’s solo album is gonna be boss.

BRAD!