No One Cares About Your Little Facebook Group

Let it not be said that I don’t take on the big issues.  So far this blog has covered some pretty hard hitting, in your face topics.  Getting hit in the nuts?  Done.  The vernacular of teenagers?  Done.  Things that annoy one insignificant person in this world?  Ha!  You better believe that’s been done!  Fat people?  Served.  And now, without further adu…adui…aidu…adieu, I give you wankers on Facebook.

Every time I log in to Facebook some jerk has invited me to join some group I don’t give a shit about. ‘It’s not really a long story I just can’t be bothered to tell it,’ ‘saying “dinners ready” you go downstairs and it’s still in the oven,’ ‘I hate one word txts [sic].’  Who the fuck starts these stupid things?  You’re not funny; you’re just wasting space on the internet.  Space that could be better filled with pornography!  Against my better judgement I became a “fan” of a group called ‘Laughing When Sluts Fall Over’ because, well, lets face it: it’s hilarious when sluts fall over.  For the next week, I cop these random arse status updates asking me to vote on tattoos and shit.  If I wanted to vote on tattoos I would have joined a group called ‘I’m an idiot and want to vote on your stupid tattoos because I’ve heard that getting a neck tattoo only makes you more employable’ not a group that is allegedly about sluts tumbling down stairs.

Why the fuck does Facebook tell me when my retarded friends join retarded groups?  As if anyone gives a shit. “Blank became a fan of ‘Eating When You’re Bored.’”  Okay, I guess that answers the question about why that person is fat, but like a give a shit about her joining the group?  What am I meant to do?  “OMFG,” (I say “OMFG” because only idiots join groups on Facebook and idiots also say stupid shit in real life like O-M-F-G because they’re idiots), “Blank joined that group?  Well, like a good sheep I’d better join too!”  WRONG!  It’s not a social networking site.  All this website serves to do is highlight why I hate everyone I’ve ever met.

I just saw that one of my “friends” became a fan of a group called ‘My mum said if 2million [sic] people joined this group she would quit smoking.”  I feel like starting my own group called, ‘I hope your mum dies of cancer in front of a crowd of 2 million people.’  I won’t though.  You know why?  Because no one fucking cares about groups on Facebook.  Joining groups on Facebook just advertises the fact that you’re a fuckhead.

I guess I should give credit where credits due.  I mean, when “friends” on Facebook join retarded groups they’re doing my job for me.  It’s like, “Oh, you’re enough of a fan of ‘Laughing just because you feel like it ’ to join a group on Facebook stating as much?  Ah, awesome.  Don’t need to be seen in public with you again.”  “Oh really?  You’re a fan of ‘Boys are stupid’ that’s cool.  I’m not a fan of being friends with 12 year olds and since you have joined this Facebook group, I can only assume that you are 12.”

I thought about starting a group called, ‘People who become fans of every stupid thing on Facebook should be crucified’ but then I realised that everyone would join and I’d get nothing done because I’d be too busy nailing bastards to planks of wood all day.

If Facebook shouldn’t be used to announce to your friends how retarded you are by joining ridiculous groups such as, ‘I cannot be f*cked [sic] screwing the lid on the milk, so i [sic] just hit it’ then what should you be using it for?  Glad I asked.  Well, to be honest, should we really be using it at all?  I mean, since Facebook came along do you actually see your friends in person as much anymore?  I can think of a few people on my “friends” list that I see rarely because it’s more convenient to just message them over Facebook and to leave my various witty comments on their photos.  For a “social networking site” it sure seems to be really powerful at pushing people further apart and isolating them.  Maybe I’m just lazy?  One thing is for sure though; it allows you to share really important information with your friends very quickly.  Information like my friend (notice the absence of inverted commas this time) Matt has done with this gem: “Kings of Leon can eat shit.”  And no, I’m not taking the piss.  This is important information that everyone needs to know.

I can see your lame arse replies already, by the way.  “Hey BRAD! No one cares about your lame arse blog either.”  You read it, dumbass.  I didn’t force you.  “Hey BRAD! Your blog is wasting space on the internet too.”  Shut up dipshit, if nothing else, I occupied you for the last five minutes and stopped you annoying the shit out of someone else, because lets face it – you’re an annoying little shitface, aren’t you?

Oh yeah, one more thing…if you’re reading this and thinking, “I wonder if he’s talking about me” there’s a fair chance I am.  It’s also fairly likely that your friends don’t like you either, in fact, they started a Facebook group about it – ironically of course, but they all still joined.

 BRAD!