Fat People Don’t Deserve Larger Seats on Aeroplanes, They Deserve Treadmills for Christmas.

What kind of gluttonous society do we live in when we have an “obesity epidemic”?  My state government has launched an advertising campaign called ‘Find your 30.’  The idea being that citizens of Queensland need to find 30 minutes of exercise every day to get fitter.  It’s a sad state of affairs when your state government has to get involved to get your off you fat, greasy, globular arse just to go for a fucking walk for half an hour.
Now look, I’m all about concessions, I’m all about favours; I’m all about the quip-pro-quo.  Is that how you say that shit?  Did I get that right?  Anyway, I’m all about these things when they favour me.  I’ll be the first to admit that I have very high double standards, but don’t you dare think for a second that gives you the right to feel the same way!  But in this day and age, cutting fat people breaks is a slap in the overly round face!
Every now and again, some over excited, yet under exercised fat bitch gets up on her high horse (and kills it) and starts moaning about how it is unfair that they have to pay for two seats just to fly somewhere on an aeroplane.  And if you’re wondering how the fat Heffa got up on high horse in the first place, you can bet your greasy bacon breakfast she used the escalator.  Why the fuck shouldn’t you pay for two seats, you disgusting, wide-load sign wearing, grease burger ingesting, poor excuse for a human?  If your arse has such a large surface area that each hail-damaged cheek needs its own seat, then bitch, you have to pay for each fucking seat!  It’s not rocket science. It’s not even advance maths!  If the total surface area required is equal to twice the surface area provided, than logically, the amount of money required is twice what was originally offered.  How fucking simple is that?
I cannot, for the life of me, understand why fat people are allowed to park in the handicapped spaces at the shopping centre.  If you ask me (and no one did), there should be a “fat bitch” section.  If you have to display the “fat bitch” sticker on your car (and it should be mandatory) then you have to park in this section.  I imagine the “fat bitch” sticker would look similar to the wheel chair guy or the male toilet guy…except the whole thing would be big circles instead of slender rectangles.  Now, where do you reckon I’d put this section?  Fucking-A.  Right in the back of the parking lot.  As far away from the shop entrance as possible.  That’s right tubs.  Me and my supermarket are doing you a favour.  Every step is another calorie gone.  Fuck it man, I’d make ‘em park in the parking lot of neighbouring supermarkets and then walk to mine.  If I had my way, fatties would lose so much weight on the way from the car to the shops the first shop they’d HAVE to go in to would be ‘Gary’s Big and Tall’ to buy new pants because they don’t fit in to their old ones anymore.
Don’t go thinking for a second you’d be allowed on the beach either.  People are so fucking fat these days, they stroll down in to the water and everyone else is like, “Holy shit, did the tide just come in like 6 feet?”  Why the hell do we tolerate shit like this?  We’re in the midst of a diabetes epidemic for fuck sake.  You’re gonna be telling your grandkids 50 years from now, “Yeah, things were so good we had to worry about being TOO satisfied.  There was deep fried chicken everywhere.”  As far as I am concerned, fatties should be, and in fact ARE social outcasts.
You want to pay the same rate as everyone else to fly from Brisbane to Perth?  Fuck knows why you’d want to go to Perth in the first place – there’s a reason we put it all the way over there on the other side of the country, but hey, I’m not here to judge…you’re holiday destination that is.  If you’re huge, I’ll fucking judge you.  I’ll judge you harder than Donald Trump judges beauty pageants, the seedy old fuck.  If you want to pay the same price as me to fly on a plane – try weighing the same amount as me, you gross bush pig!  The reason I pay for one seat is because I only fucking need one!  And I don’t want to spend the entire flight gripping the shit out of it, petrified that you’re so fucking heavy the engines won’t be able to take it and we’ll crash back to Earth like a juicy meatball falling off your oversized fork and smashing down in to your already food-stained shirt with an eruption of red wine Bolognese sauce.
If the Government was really serious about stopping people from resembling the Hindenburg they’d put scales in public places, pay a crowd to sit in a grandstand and make everyone that goes by stand on the scales in front of the crowd.  If you’re not crying as you step off the scales then you can be considered a worthwhile member of society.  If the endless taunts of the slim, attractive crowd have left your face streaked with makeup in a Joker-esque kind of way, feel free to make use of the suicide gallows set up to your left.  We have high quality rope that won’t snap under the immense pressure of your incredible mass.
Am I kidding?  No.  There is no excuse for being fat.  If you’re fat and you’re reading this…I hate you.
BRAD!