A Short List of things I Hate.

1. ‘Dance, Dance Revolution.’
I fail to see the point to this stupid ‘game.’  It’s not dancing.  It’s not even close to dancing.  It’s just a bunch of Asian kids stomping their feet.  The only form of dancing it even vaguely resembles is line dancing.  Line dancing isn’t dancing either.  Line Dancing is a step by step guide to hooking up with your cousin.  By the way, if you don’t pick up on my puns, you’re an idiot and are probably on my ‘Long List of things I Hate.’  In Brad’s World, I’d throw every last DDR machine in to an active volcano.  And of course by “I” I mean I’d make one of my minions do it because I also hate hard labour.

 2. Glitter.
The sparkly specks of shit; not the movie.  Although, to be honest, I do hate the movie and Mariah Carrey as well.  What is with kids’ fascination with this shit?  It doesn’t do anything.  It doesn’t look cool.  It doesn’t add to the black hole of artistic talent your parents pretend you have.  “What’s that junior?  You drew me a picture of a dinosaur?  Why does it have a ball of glitter for a head?  Because it’s a pretty dinosaur?  WRONG!”  If this is what dinosaurs looked like, no wonder God threw a giant meteor at Earth to wipe the surface clean.  If I drew something as awful as that, you’d better believe I’d shake the shit out of my etch-a-sketch.  It’s not even a fun medium to play with.  It sticks to you worse the human papillomavirus.  There’s nothing worse than looking back through photos of a great night out and realising that in every single photo there is a gold speck of shit sitting right on the tip of your nose.  No wonder so many people have abortions.

 3. Carl Barron.
That’s right, assholes, I said it.  I’m willing to admit that Carl was funny.  Once.  The first time I ever saw him perform stand up.  But his shtick is tired.  Okay Carl, we fucking get it!  You’re weird looking and you make funny noises.  Get the fuck over it, the rest of us did.  “Comic Genius”?  More like “Carbon Copy.”  I put it to you that the only reason people think Carl Barron is funny is because of his homosexual relationship with ‘The Footy Show.’  People who find that show funny should be put to death.  And not in a pleasant “I’ll put your out of your pain,” terminal cancer with morphine kind of way.  I mean in a hung, drawn and quartered, “let that be a lesson to the rest of you” kind of way.  People who find Carl Barron funny should be sterilized.

 4. Parents.  Shit parents mostly, but all parents really.
If your child is a pain in the arse, always in trouble, has an attitude problem and you, “Just don’t know what to do.”  You should consider giving not being such a shit parent a crack.  You can blame your kids’ friends, the TV, popular culture and celebrities as much as you want, but at the end of the day, I’m pretty sure it’s not those things’ jobs to teach your kid ethics, morals and values.  If your kids a shithead, I’m willing to bet you’re a shithead.  Here’s another tip: the TV is not a babysitter.  How’s about you climb on down from your high horse, eat a massive piece of humble pie and start teaching your kid good values – starting with humility.  Obviously, my parents are exempt from this rant.  They did an awesome job because just look at how much better at life I am than you.

 5. Smoking.
We’ve known just how shit it is for us for like 20 years now.  It hasn’t been cool since greasers and the 1950s.  Why the fuck do people still smoke?

 6. When people say, “How hot is it?”
Fucking hot.  Now shut the fuck up.  I don’t think people realise just how much that simple question says about them and their insecurities.  I mean, I think I can safely assume that they aren’t expecting an answer in degrees Celsius.  It’s more of a vague comment to the affect of, “Boy, it is hot today.”  For some reason though, people lack the security in them to assess the weather and decide for themselves that it is hot.  Instead, they phrase it as a question, just in case no one else is feeling the heat.  As if there is something wrong with them being hot when others are not.  Who the fuck cares if other people don’t think it’s hot?  Grow a set, toughen up and get a little conviction in your life.  If you think it’s hot, claim it.  Actually, shut up either way.  I don’t care what you have to say.

 7. Reality TV.
It’s not reality, dumbass.  It’s a bunch of fuckheads being fuckheads.  The only difference between the fuckheads in the street and the fuckheads on TV is that I can’t punch someone on the other side of a camera in Samoa trying to survive Tribal Council (I’m sure that’s a registered trade mark too, by the way).  How the hell are shows like Survivor still going?  It’s not entertainment.  It’s not even passive amusement.  It’s the same shit every season except the old guy has a different name, the dumb chick with the huge rack is a little bit dumber, the only person worth winning gets voted off straight away and the person who ends up winning is a total jerk.  How have they turned this in to one of the longest running seasons in modern TV history?  I’m at a fucking loss for how this show is still on the air.  You know what?  It’s not even the fucking show I have a problem with.  It’s every one of you.  I say you because someone must be fucking watching it and it sure as shit isn’t me!  My TV doesn’t even get reception!

 8. People who drive with their high beams on because they have a head light out.
What the fuck is wrong you, mother fucker?  How does your inability to maintain you vehicle give you the right to blind the fuck out of me?  You’re the same kind of jerk that doesn’t give people the slightest chance to turn their high beams off and starts flashing your lights when you’re like 6 kilometres away.  Do you know how many of your friends actually like you?  None.  They only tolerate you because they know it is easier than admitting they don’t like you and have you make a massive deal of it and start crying in public.  No ones likes a person who cries in public.  Here’s an idea – instead of being a fucking menace to everyone else on the road by endangering the lives of people who have full cerebral functions, how about you drive down to an auto shop, buy a fucking light bulb and put the son of a bitch in.  It’ll take you like half an hour and your wife/girlfriend/life partner/significant other will contemplate touching you in bed that night even though your sex life has been on life support since they realised how much of a pansy you are because you can’t even master the craft-less art of maintaining an automobile.

 9. People who think they are better than everyone else because they watch ‘Entourage.’
You know who else watches ‘Entourage’?  FUCKING EVERYONE.  How the shit does watching specific TV shows make you better than anyone else anyway?  TV shows are specifically designed for mass consumption.  It’s not like you needle pointed your own unique, one of a kind sweater or anything.  Get the fuck over yourself.  You probably tell people that you watched it before it was cool as well.  You know what else is cool that people haven’t gotten in to yet?  Suicide.  Think about it.  Watching a TV show about rich wankers does not make you a rich wanker.  It makes you a douche bag and a sorry excuse for a carbon based life form but it doesn’t make you any cooler than every other dumbass running around these streets.  If anything, it makes you more of a dumbass.  Who the fuck wants to watch a TV show that is about how much of a jerk a group of people are?  I can hear all of you jerks now as well, by the way…“But it’s like ‘Gossip Girl’ for boys.”  Then watch ‘Gossip Girl’ you gender-stereotyping sons of bitches…but don’t watch ‘Gossip Girl’ it’s a steaming pile of Rancor shit as well.  In fact, I think I just hate TV in general.

 10. Edward.
Dear Stephanie,
            You’ve ruined vampires forever.
Brad.
I cannot believe what the ‘Twilight’ books have done to vampires.  Vampires use to be badass motherfuckers that nobody wanted to mess with.  Now every high school slut wants to grow up and marry one.  Vampires aren’t princes, you dumb whores.  You know what a typical night for a vampire consists of?  Doing bitches in and partying hard.  You know what vampires don’t do?  Fall in fucking love!  Being a vampire is all about doing what ever the hell you want and telling the consequences to get fucked.  Oh, and flying, it’s totally about flying!  What kind of a lame ass four hundred year old vampire falls in love with a brain dead sixteen year old?  I’ll tell you who; Van Helsing’s next victim.  That’s right – victim.  Van Helsing’s the bad guy in that story.  No one has the right to tell a vampire what to do.  You know who got vampires right? Joel Schumacher with ‘The Lost Boys.’  That’s what being a vampire is all about.  Kiefer Sutherland flying around doing sluts in and partying like it’s schoolies.  Vampires don’t fall in love, they suck neck and ruin everybody else’s shit.