Fat People Don’t Deserve Larger Seats on Aeroplanes, They Deserve Treadmills for Christmas.

What kind of gluttonous society do we live in when we have an “obesity epidemic”?  My state government has launched an advertising campaign called ‘Find your 30.’  The idea being that citizens of Queensland need to find 30 minutes of exercise every day to get fitter.  It’s a sad state of affairs when your state government has to get involved to get your off you fat, greasy, globular arse just to go for a fucking walk for half an hour.
Now look, I’m all about concessions, I’m all about favours; I’m all about the quip-pro-quo.  Is that how you say that shit?  Did I get that right?  Anyway, I’m all about these things when they favour me.  I’ll be the first to admit that I have very high double standards, but don’t you dare think for a second that gives you the right to feel the same way!  But in this day and age, cutting fat people breaks is a slap in the overly round face!
Every now and again, some over excited, yet under exercised fat bitch gets up on her high horse (and kills it) and starts moaning about how it is unfair that they have to pay for two seats just to fly somewhere on an aeroplane.  And if you’re wondering how the fat Heffa got up on high horse in the first place, you can bet your greasy bacon breakfast she used the escalator.  Why the fuck shouldn’t you pay for two seats, you disgusting, wide-load sign wearing, grease burger ingesting, poor excuse for a human?  If your arse has such a large surface area that each hail-damaged cheek needs its own seat, then bitch, you have to pay for each fucking seat!  It’s not rocket science. It’s not even advance maths!  If the total surface area required is equal to twice the surface area provided, than logically, the amount of money required is twice what was originally offered.  How fucking simple is that?
I cannot, for the life of me, understand why fat people are allowed to park in the handicapped spaces at the shopping centre.  If you ask me (and no one did), there should be a “fat bitch” section.  If you have to display the “fat bitch” sticker on your car (and it should be mandatory) then you have to park in this section.  I imagine the “fat bitch” sticker would look similar to the wheel chair guy or the male toilet guy…except the whole thing would be big circles instead of slender rectangles.  Now, where do you reckon I’d put this section?  Fucking-A.  Right in the back of the parking lot.  As far away from the shop entrance as possible.  That’s right tubs.  Me and my supermarket are doing you a favour.  Every step is another calorie gone.  Fuck it man, I’d make ‘em park in the parking lot of neighbouring supermarkets and then walk to mine.  If I had my way, fatties would lose so much weight on the way from the car to the shops the first shop they’d HAVE to go in to would be ‘Gary’s Big and Tall’ to buy new pants because they don’t fit in to their old ones anymore.
Don’t go thinking for a second you’d be allowed on the beach either.  People are so fucking fat these days, they stroll down in to the water and everyone else is like, “Holy shit, did the tide just come in like 6 feet?”  Why the hell do we tolerate shit like this?  We’re in the midst of a diabetes epidemic for fuck sake.  You’re gonna be telling your grandkids 50 years from now, “Yeah, things were so good we had to worry about being TOO satisfied.  There was deep fried chicken everywhere.”  As far as I am concerned, fatties should be, and in fact ARE social outcasts.
You want to pay the same rate as everyone else to fly from Brisbane to Perth?  Fuck knows why you’d want to go to Perth in the first place – there’s a reason we put it all the way over there on the other side of the country, but hey, I’m not here to judge…you’re holiday destination that is.  If you’re huge, I’ll fucking judge you.  I’ll judge you harder than Donald Trump judges beauty pageants, the seedy old fuck.  If you want to pay the same price as me to fly on a plane – try weighing the same amount as me, you gross bush pig!  The reason I pay for one seat is because I only fucking need one!  And I don’t want to spend the entire flight gripping the shit out of it, petrified that you’re so fucking heavy the engines won’t be able to take it and we’ll crash back to Earth like a juicy meatball falling off your oversized fork and smashing down in to your already food-stained shirt with an eruption of red wine Bolognese sauce.
If the Government was really serious about stopping people from resembling the Hindenburg they’d put scales in public places, pay a crowd to sit in a grandstand and make everyone that goes by stand on the scales in front of the crowd.  If you’re not crying as you step off the scales then you can be considered a worthwhile member of society.  If the endless taunts of the slim, attractive crowd have left your face streaked with makeup in a Joker-esque kind of way, feel free to make use of the suicide gallows set up to your left.  We have high quality rope that won’t snap under the immense pressure of your incredible mass.
Am I kidding?  No.  There is no excuse for being fat.  If you’re fat and you’re reading this…I hate you.
BRAD!

A Short List of things I Hate.

1. ‘Dance, Dance Revolution.’
I fail to see the point to this stupid ‘game.’  It’s not dancing.  It’s not even close to dancing.  It’s just a bunch of Asian kids stomping their feet.  The only form of dancing it even vaguely resembles is line dancing.  Line dancing isn’t dancing either.  Line Dancing is a step by step guide to hooking up with your cousin.  By the way, if you don’t pick up on my puns, you’re an idiot and are probably on my ‘Long List of things I Hate.’  In Brad’s World, I’d throw every last DDR machine in to an active volcano.  And of course by “I” I mean I’d make one of my minions do it because I also hate hard labour.

 2. Glitter.
The sparkly specks of shit; not the movie.  Although, to be honest, I do hate the movie and Mariah Carrey as well.  What is with kids’ fascination with this shit?  It doesn’t do anything.  It doesn’t look cool.  It doesn’t add to the black hole of artistic talent your parents pretend you have.  “What’s that junior?  You drew me a picture of a dinosaur?  Why does it have a ball of glitter for a head?  Because it’s a pretty dinosaur?  WRONG!”  If this is what dinosaurs looked like, no wonder God threw a giant meteor at Earth to wipe the surface clean.  If I drew something as awful as that, you’d better believe I’d shake the shit out of my etch-a-sketch.  It’s not even a fun medium to play with.  It sticks to you worse the human papillomavirus.  There’s nothing worse than looking back through photos of a great night out and realising that in every single photo there is a gold speck of shit sitting right on the tip of your nose.  No wonder so many people have abortions.

 3. Carl Barron.
That’s right, assholes, I said it.  I’m willing to admit that Carl was funny.  Once.  The first time I ever saw him perform stand up.  But his shtick is tired.  Okay Carl, we fucking get it!  You’re weird looking and you make funny noises.  Get the fuck over it, the rest of us did.  “Comic Genius”?  More like “Carbon Copy.”  I put it to you that the only reason people think Carl Barron is funny is because of his homosexual relationship with ‘The Footy Show.’  People who find that show funny should be put to death.  And not in a pleasant “I’ll put your out of your pain,” terminal cancer with morphine kind of way.  I mean in a hung, drawn and quartered, “let that be a lesson to the rest of you” kind of way.  People who find Carl Barron funny should be sterilized.

 4. Parents.  Shit parents mostly, but all parents really.
If your child is a pain in the arse, always in trouble, has an attitude problem and you, “Just don’t know what to do.”  You should consider giving not being such a shit parent a crack.  You can blame your kids’ friends, the TV, popular culture and celebrities as much as you want, but at the end of the day, I’m pretty sure it’s not those things’ jobs to teach your kid ethics, morals and values.  If your kids a shithead, I’m willing to bet you’re a shithead.  Here’s another tip: the TV is not a babysitter.  How’s about you climb on down from your high horse, eat a massive piece of humble pie and start teaching your kid good values – starting with humility.  Obviously, my parents are exempt from this rant.  They did an awesome job because just look at how much better at life I am than you.

 5. Smoking.
We’ve known just how shit it is for us for like 20 years now.  It hasn’t been cool since greasers and the 1950s.  Why the fuck do people still smoke?

 6. When people say, “How hot is it?”
Fucking hot.  Now shut the fuck up.  I don’t think people realise just how much that simple question says about them and their insecurities.  I mean, I think I can safely assume that they aren’t expecting an answer in degrees Celsius.  It’s more of a vague comment to the affect of, “Boy, it is hot today.”  For some reason though, people lack the security in them to assess the weather and decide for themselves that it is hot.  Instead, they phrase it as a question, just in case no one else is feeling the heat.  As if there is something wrong with them being hot when others are not.  Who the fuck cares if other people don’t think it’s hot?  Grow a set, toughen up and get a little conviction in your life.  If you think it’s hot, claim it.  Actually, shut up either way.  I don’t care what you have to say.

 7. Reality TV.
It’s not reality, dumbass.  It’s a bunch of fuckheads being fuckheads.  The only difference between the fuckheads in the street and the fuckheads on TV is that I can’t punch someone on the other side of a camera in Samoa trying to survive Tribal Council (I’m sure that’s a registered trade mark too, by the way).  How the hell are shows like Survivor still going?  It’s not entertainment.  It’s not even passive amusement.  It’s the same shit every season except the old guy has a different name, the dumb chick with the huge rack is a little bit dumber, the only person worth winning gets voted off straight away and the person who ends up winning is a total jerk.  How have they turned this in to one of the longest running seasons in modern TV history?  I’m at a fucking loss for how this show is still on the air.  You know what?  It’s not even the fucking show I have a problem with.  It’s every one of you.  I say you because someone must be fucking watching it and it sure as shit isn’t me!  My TV doesn’t even get reception!

 8. People who drive with their high beams on because they have a head light out.
What the fuck is wrong you, mother fucker?  How does your inability to maintain you vehicle give you the right to blind the fuck out of me?  You’re the same kind of jerk that doesn’t give people the slightest chance to turn their high beams off and starts flashing your lights when you’re like 6 kilometres away.  Do you know how many of your friends actually like you?  None.  They only tolerate you because they know it is easier than admitting they don’t like you and have you make a massive deal of it and start crying in public.  No ones likes a person who cries in public.  Here’s an idea – instead of being a fucking menace to everyone else on the road by endangering the lives of people who have full cerebral functions, how about you drive down to an auto shop, buy a fucking light bulb and put the son of a bitch in.  It’ll take you like half an hour and your wife/girlfriend/life partner/significant other will contemplate touching you in bed that night even though your sex life has been on life support since they realised how much of a pansy you are because you can’t even master the craft-less art of maintaining an automobile.

 9. People who think they are better than everyone else because they watch ‘Entourage.’
You know who else watches ‘Entourage’?  FUCKING EVERYONE.  How the shit does watching specific TV shows make you better than anyone else anyway?  TV shows are specifically designed for mass consumption.  It’s not like you needle pointed your own unique, one of a kind sweater or anything.  Get the fuck over yourself.  You probably tell people that you watched it before it was cool as well.  You know what else is cool that people haven’t gotten in to yet?  Suicide.  Think about it.  Watching a TV show about rich wankers does not make you a rich wanker.  It makes you a douche bag and a sorry excuse for a carbon based life form but it doesn’t make you any cooler than every other dumbass running around these streets.  If anything, it makes you more of a dumbass.  Who the fuck wants to watch a TV show that is about how much of a jerk a group of people are?  I can hear all of you jerks now as well, by the way…“But it’s like ‘Gossip Girl’ for boys.”  Then watch ‘Gossip Girl’ you gender-stereotyping sons of bitches…but don’t watch ‘Gossip Girl’ it’s a steaming pile of Rancor shit as well.  In fact, I think I just hate TV in general.

 10. Edward.
Dear Stephanie,
            You’ve ruined vampires forever.
Brad.
I cannot believe what the ‘Twilight’ books have done to vampires.  Vampires use to be badass motherfuckers that nobody wanted to mess with.  Now every high school slut wants to grow up and marry one.  Vampires aren’t princes, you dumb whores.  You know what a typical night for a vampire consists of?  Doing bitches in and partying hard.  You know what vampires don’t do?  Fall in fucking love!  Being a vampire is all about doing what ever the hell you want and telling the consequences to get fucked.  Oh, and flying, it’s totally about flying!  What kind of a lame ass four hundred year old vampire falls in love with a brain dead sixteen year old?  I’ll tell you who; Van Helsing’s next victim.  That’s right – victim.  Van Helsing’s the bad guy in that story.  No one has the right to tell a vampire what to do.  You know who got vampires right? Joel Schumacher with ‘The Lost Boys.’  That’s what being a vampire is all about.  Kiefer Sutherland flying around doing sluts in and partying like it’s schoolies.  Vampires don’t fall in love, they suck neck and ruin everybody else’s shit.

“That’s Gay.”

I know that this is a common gripe amongst parents and older people in society, but as you may or may not know, I am all about band wagons.  So, I’m going to go ahead and take this opportunity to throw my hat in to the ring.  I think that although everyone has voiced their opinion on the matter; expressed some form of discontent with this common trend and I am more than certain the blogosphere is not free from content relating to this issue; but there is a void.  Something is missing from the countless voices crying out together.  Something intangible.  Something irreplaceable.  That’s right, world, my opinion is as yet unknown on this tentative issue.  Now that I have highlighted this abyss in social knowledge, I think it is only fair that I fill it.  That I take this opportunity to fill the cavernous void with my salacious knowledge.  I could, of course, only be referring to one social trend: Homophobic Teenagers.

 

If you’ve had kids, are a kid or know anyone that is a kid then you would most definitely be familiar with their most favourite saying: “That’s gay.”

I don’t understand it.  I mean, when did being gay become the crime of the century?  I mean, I know it use to be.  Back in the colony days when butt fucking was illegal, but now, it’s like the highest honour a girl can ever bestow upon her boyfriend.  It’s like, “So, we’ve been going together for a while now…” (because apparently I’m from the 1950s and think that the kids of today still say ‘going together’ and think that everything is ‘swell’)…“so how’s about tonight you fuck me in the ass.”  And if you are wondering where I get my opinions on sex from – I watch *A LOT* of porn.  Anyway, Hetero anal play probably doesn’t have much to do with the kids these days thinking things are gay.  I think I just like to talk about hetero anal play.  I’m really liking the phrase “hetero anal play” to be honest.  I’ll see if I can work it in somewhere else a little later.  But I digress…

 

It’s been a long time since Australia as a society got over its homophobic sentiment, and I don’t really want to turn this piece in to a rant about homophobia in Australia.  I will say this though: I don’t care if you have sex with the same sex, the opposite sex, one of those both-sex types, animals, shadows or play dough…just as long as you don’t do it on my bed, we can still be friends.  But if you ever talk to the youth of today, they appear to think that everything is gay.

“Want to go to the beach?”
“Nah, that’ gay.”

“Want to ride bikes and fly kites?”
“Nup, that’s gay.”

“Want to find some 16 year old virgin girls and deflower them?”
“Flower?  Nup.  That’s gay.”

Absolutely everything is gay to them.  I’m not sure about you, but it really annoys me when teens say that things that aren’t gay are gay.  I mean, if they’re talking about scrapbooking or collage that’s one thing.  But when teens start dumping on riding bikes and flying kites…wait, wrong example.  When teens start dumping on deflowering virgins I start to kick up a stink.

 

Don’t get me wrong, the phrase can be used accurately, but most times, the kids just get it wrong.  And when that happens, I try to annoy the shit out of them.  Case in point:

 

I was having a conversation with my neighbour who is like 15 or something.  Fresh out of nappies and knows everything about the world kind of kid.  I asked him what his older brother does for a living.  This kids response?  You guessed it.  He says, “He works for this gay company.”

Here we go, I thought.  So I ran with it.  “REALLY?”  I said, “He works for a company that’s gay?”

“Yep.”

A company isn’t even inanimate.  It’s actually rather intangible when you think about it.  You can’t touch a company.   You can’t talk to a company.  You can’t feel the smooth sensual touch of a company as you engage in some good old fashioned hetero anal play (told you I’d get it in there).  So, then I realised that he must have meant that the physical building itself was gay.  Or that maybe the company manufactured products specifically for the gay market.  But no, this pimple faced freak maintained that the company itself was gay.  So then I thought about this…what if a company could actually be gay?

 

So, I say to the git that I wasn’t even aware that companies had genders.  That’s funny in itself.  I mean, would a florist be female while a mechanic repairs place is a dude?  So, according to this kid’s theory, companies not only have genders, but also have sex…with other companies…of the same sex.  I mean, it brings new meaning to the word “merger” doesn’t it?  And I shudder to think what a “hostile take over” actually involves.  You just know a company is gay when it goes in to “receivership.”

 

Second example:

I told this other kid that I was looking after (that’s right, people trust me with their children, fuck off) that he had to pack up in five minutes.  He goes, “That’s gay.  Time is SO gay.”

Not just regular gay, SO gay!

Now how the fuck can time be gay?  Obviously this kid, like most kids, is an idiot.  But then, I thought about it.  What if time is gay?  I mean, think about the implications of time being gay, as opposed to thinking about the absurdity.  I mean, if time is gay, does that mean that high speed cameras are nothing more than pornography?  That time-lapse footage, no matter what the subject, is nothing more than an orgy?  And not just any orgy…a gay orgy.  A mix of gay time-cocks, like the hands of a clock, only thicker, pointing, jabbing, jesting at all male numbers.  What’s really going on with the number 2?  Does that also mean that when your job gets too stressful and you just, “Take some time for yourself” you’re really just “gaying out”?

 

Honestly, I do not understand why, in this day and age, young kids have to maintain that everything is gay.  Are they really that homophobic, or has gay just become the go-to word for anything that is slightly disapproved of and if so, why?  I fear that this is one of those social trends that I will never understand.  It appears to be so deeply ingrained in the youth of today in the same way that hetero anal play is a large part of the pornography industry (sorry, had to get it in there one last time [that’s what he said, by the way]).  So I put forward that next time you hear a kid say, “That’s gay” you do one of two things:

1. Go upside their head a-la the 1950s where I live or
2. Call the kid out as being a homophobe.

If you really wanted to make a difference, you could possibly also suggest an alternate word to “gay” something more gay-friendly…something like…I dunno…“That’s Kevin.”  Why Kevin?  Because I went to primary school with a kid named Kevin and he was a total dick (Kevin, if you reading this, not you dude, you were cool, the other Kevin [other Kevin, if you’re reading this, not you man, I did mean the original one] that seems suitably confusing.  Neither of them were very bright, so that should confuse them for a good half hour.  Want more proof?  Do you know someone named Kevin?  Are they a jerk?  Of course they are).

 

If you really wanted to make a difference though, you should probably stop wasting your time reading lame-ass blogs, get off your fat arse and go some parenting.  Even if you don’t have kids you can still do some parenting.  Just go down to your local shops and smack strangers’ children.  Even if they’re not doing anything wrong, smack ‘em anyway.  In fact, especially if they’re not doing anything wrong.  Smack ‘em hard and then point at ‘em and say, “Your mum may not have seen you do it, but I did!” then walk off glaring.  The message will sink in eventually.